I'm writing this instead of writing one of the 5 essays on my agenda (study break?). I am 8 days from completing my second year of college, and my first year living in Tennessee. To say I am sentimental would be an understatement. I honestly did not think I would make it a full year. I figured between living in a dorm filled with girls and mental health issues, I would go home after my first semester away, or just finish the year and keep going to my community college back home. However, as I sit here in my dorm room listening to the shrieks resulting from another random prank war occurring on the hall, I am blissfully content. It's been a long year, filled with an abnormal conglomeration of countless struggles and triumphs. "I made it' are the words that have been running through my head for the past week. A year of my life has never held as much devastation, encouragement, confusion, enlightenment, fear, and comfort as this one has. And for each moment, no matter how painful or glorious, I am thankful. In this state of reflection, I want to share what is on my heart, though it would take several books to adequately give all of my thoughts on the year justice. So I'll feature the primary one. It has been the tug-and-pull battle of my entire year, but a concept I have embraced over the last few months: choosing wisdom. Making a wise choice is not applauded by most. Case and point: I didn't kiss a guy, so I was called a prude and a "cute little virgin". I mentioned that I had never tried alcohol. I was told I needed to lighten up and enjoy myself. I turned down an invitation to relieve stress and smoke some stuff. I was met with an eye roll and a long speech about how it isn't bad for you (I only told them I was busy, nothing against the drug, I might add). I didn't go out with a guy because I knew he wasn't someone my mom would approve of. I was told I should be more spontaneous. I studied for my exam instead of going to a party. I was told that I only had one college experience, and I was ruining my chance of actually having a great college experience. Some backstory... I was home schooled for pretty much my entire schooling. And I hear a lot of negative comments towards home schoolers, as if we are all naive fools who run around in denim skirts and throw organic milk at people. Once when I said I hadn't had alcohol, one girl threw the "Oh, duh. Cause you were home schooled! Ha, you're so cute and sheltered." I laughed at her because I am far from sheltered. My parents were wise enough to let my brother and I experience the world around us. And good grief, I'm a sophomore in college. It is hard (though not impossible) to be in college and be "sheltered." Backstory/rant over... I try to make wise decisions because I make a habit of looking ahead. In my mind, my future holds a counseling center that I hope to manage, a husband, a family, and a few cats. And whenever I think about maybe finally going and doing something "spontaneous" or "cool", I think about my future husband, children, clients, self. I've come to realize that "now" is simply that. It is a moment that lasts for only a short duration of time. Yet, the future is infinite. I would rather step into my life each day with few regrets. I don't want to look into my child's eyes one day and tell them that I chose to get drunk and high to ignore my mental illness for a moment. I don't want to tell my future husband one day that I let every man in my life touch me, so that his touch was hardly new to me. And I do not want to be the woman who looks in the mirror with pain in her eyes because she lived in a way that slowly destroyed her. It may sound extreme. Call me a prude if you'd like. But I live every day with regrets from my past. Because let's be real - mistakes haunt you. You can repent and move on, but repercussions are a thing. I have been freed from guilt thanks to the blood of Christ, but I still have to go through life knowing what I have done and some days I am tortured by the idea that I may have to tell my children about what their mom did when she was younger. Yet, my life is far from boring. It is still spontaneous. The other day, I drove with my friends until we found a river. We had no clue where we were. Siri didn't even know. One of my friends and I have random photo shoots in various cool places around Tennessee, and we're shooting a music video this weekend. I am going to Europe on a cross-cultural trip this summer with the psychology department. I see every day as an adventure. My life is more than fun. My life is fulfilling... That's the thing - wise decisions lead to a sense of fulfillment. There's no forgetting how you had fun because your brain was under an influence, there's no regretting the decisions that you made a few days later. I still screw up regularly, but I choose to avoid the recklessness. And through that, I have found a group of individuals who have encouraged more than any other. I have girls who pray over each of my various exams, bring me Starbucks on my bad days, memorize my food orders, remember my friends' names from back home, and ask about my family every day. They pray over me, rejoice with me, weep with me. And these individuals have never once pushed me towards making a decision I would one day regret. I'm now involved in ResLife, and the people that work in it are some of the most dedicated and responsible people I know. But they're also the most fun people to be around. Sure, we don't party in the usual sense of the word. But hey, we tie dyed shirts the other day while jamming to old Miley Cyrus music and eating ice cream floats, so I'd say it was lit. My life is fun because it is filled with joy. And this joy is something that doesn't go away once the thrill is gone - it lasts because it is banked on something deeper than a moment. I haven't made all wise decisions. My roommate would probably laugh if I tried to tell you that I have. But I never regret making the wise choice. I enjoy going through life with a smile on my face, with no fear of the future. I love the freedom of having nothing to hide. Wise decisions are worth it. So there is my "thought of the year", I suppose.
1 Comment
Tommy Carr
4/22/2017 09:06:21 am
I am proud to have known you and very proud of the lady you have become!
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AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
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