“Be like Joseph.” My small group leader looked at us, her eyes giving away the pain and experience that led her to speak so earnestly. We all jotted it down in our notes, discussed what that could look like in our lives, and left for service. That was in high school, and I honestly don’t remember when it was spoken, but I do know today it came to my mind in a powerful way. But first, allow me to explain what my small group leader was talking about. The book of Genesis tells Joseph’s life story. That man is the poster child for steadfast faith. Seriously. He’s one stand-up dude. He goes through so many heartbreaking situations, but remains faithful to God throughout each situation. He uses every life stage to serve others and use the gifts God gave him, no matter if he is in prison or leadership. Read his story sometime. But in Genesis 39, our friend Joseph is faced with a dilemma. His boss’s wife is really into him. She persistently asks Joseph to sleep with her, threatening his position in the household and attempting any manipulation possible. And if that’s not enough, she decides to take it a step further: “One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.” Genesis 39:11-12 Be like Joseph. Run. Sounds cheesy? Bear with me. The reason why this phrase came to mind today is because I faced a similar dilemma. It’s been a difficult week. And I was on my third emotional breakdown of the day. And an old voice started to whisper in my head: “You should go grab that vodka and down the whole bottle. You deserve an escape at this point.” Friends, I wish I could say I laughed at the thought. But I was worn down. I knew that it would provide a temporary escape. I considered it. But then those words from that small group rushed into my mind. Be like Joseph. So I turned my car around, drove away, and went to a friend’s apartment instead. I ran. Well, drove. But for the sake of this blog, I ran. I like that there’s no explanation of Joseph’s logic, or any mention of a conversation he has with her about the pros and cons of the situation. Because that’s usually how we approach temptation. “Well, it would be bad because ____”, “It may not be the best idea, but honestly it wouldn’t be that bad because ____”. We rationalize. We try to put it through a system of logic. But Genesis doesn’t give us any indication of Joseph doing that. It just says, “But he left his cloak in her hand, and ran out of the house.” Not to another room, not 2 feet away. Out of the house. He completely removed himself from the situation. Maybe you’re in the same boat as me. There’s something readily available to you that you don’t need to do, but you’re considering it anyways. Be like Joseph. Run. Get in your car, go somewhere else. Maybe you’re debating on whether or not to respond to their late-night text and make the drive to their apartment. Be like Joseph. Run. Tell them no. Mute their contact (or block it!). Maybe you’re with your friends and they’re starting to talk about that girl who you have some personal information on, and you know if you share it, you’ll get attention. Be like Joseph. Don’t participate in slander. Change the subject. Leave if you have to. Maybe you’re wanting to stay in bed instead of taking care of the things you need to do. Be like Joseph. Run. Get out of bed. Go make yourself some food. Get your laundry done. Maybe you’re focusing on your academics and work life to the point you are ignoring the people in your life. Be like Joseph. Run. Make time for the people you love. Let go of any unnecessary activity. Embrace community. Maybe you’re in a terrible relationship (dating or friendship), but don’t know how to get out. Be like Joseph. Run. Tell them goodbye. Delete their number. Remove them from social media. Maybe you’re about to relapse with self-harm tonight. Be like Joseph. Run. Throw away your tools. Go to a friend’s house or a public place. Get out of your room. Go on a run. Watch a movie. Listen to some music. Go to sleep. Maybe you’re about to watch porn for the third time this week, because you don’t know how to stop it even though you hate it. Be like Joseph. Run. Delete your history. Exit your browser. Go talk to someone. Get out of your room. You won’t always be in the same situation as Joseph. And sometimes, the temptation you’ll face may not be for a blatant sin. What we need to come to understand is that temptation is used to guide us towards things that will ultimately harm us. That is why we need to run. When we run towards the truth, towards the light, towards an all-powerful Savior, we run towards what will ultimately heal us. So start today. Start exercising those muscles. Start running. When we make that our practice, it becomes our response. Be like Joseph, sweet friends. Run. Because Jesus has called you worthy, and you do not have to struggle in the shadows. This post was originally written for the Delight Ministries Blog.
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But first, let’s start with some Scripture. “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16 (NIV) Alright, I’m going to start this conversation by talking about myself. I am a human. I have regrets, plenty of things I wish I hadn’t done. But I still have dreams and hopes of intimacy with my hopefully-existent husband. Desire. I have it. And pretty much every person on this planet experiences deeply-rooted relational and sexual desires. That’s a good thing. God gave us an incredible gift when He created our sexuality. He gave us a remarkable gift through the desire for intimacy with another person. These are good things, beautiful things, holy things. So why is it that they are a point of tension within our faith? Why is it that they go from something lovely to something feared? The enemy loves to distort God’s gifts to us. That’s why love can break our hearts, family can hurt us, and our bodies experience pain. Satan takes the holy things and projects his brokenness upon them. And man, does he absolutely adore doing that with sexual desire. He’s the one who likes to tell us that one step more won’t cause harm, that one more view won’t mess with our heads, that the red flags aren’t valid. He’s also the one behind the shame that you experience afterward. The enemy wants to infiltrate our sexuality so that we no longer see it as a gift but as a struggle. He wants it to control us, consume us, and ultimately break us. He wants to take that beautiful gift from our sweet Lord and turn it into a weapon. But, my dear friends, the enemy can only wish for this. There is incredible power in the truth that he is incapable of making us do anything. He can shout in our ears and run around us and wave his hands but he cannot make us move. I was reading Single, Dating, Engaged, Married by Ben Stuart this summer, and ran across this fascinating concept: stewarding desire. Ben explains that since desire is just like any other gift from God, it can be stewarded. And it can be stewarded well. Stewardship simply means to take care of, to nurture, to care for in order for its betterment. When we steward desire, we aren’t ignoring it or denying it. We are acknowledging its existence, keeping it safe from the arrows of the enemy, and preparing it for further beauty. It’s hard to think of what we could do to steward something as complex and seemingly intangible as our sexuality and hopes for intimacy (the emotional kind, not just physical!). And it’s hard to think of what that could mean, besides ignoring it or moving into a convent. That verse at the beginning from Galatians gives everything we need to know. To steward desire or any gift, we need to walk by the Spirit. This looks like using self-control, seeking peace, loving our neighbor, being patient with God’s timing, showing mercy, remaining joyful, pursuing what is good. Walking by the Spirit is simply incorporating the fruit of the Spirit into your life. And friends, suppression, and ignorance are not fruits of the Spirit. Ignoring your desires or denying their existence WILL NOT help you stay focused. They’ll just reappear at another time. There’s a reason the fruits of the Spirit are so community-focused. We are not meant to walk alone, and we are certainly not meant to keep our struggles, hopes, and desires to ourselves. That’s why this blog is titled “Let’s Talk About Sex”. Because we need to talk about it. We need to find those other girls in our lives who will point us back to Jesus and back to stewardship in this area. We need to be able to find accountability for when we are trying to overcome our habits and old tendencies. We need to be able to tell our sisters when it’s hard for us to focus on our calling because we would rather focus on a relationship that gives us some form of emotional or physical fulfillment. In high school, I had a terrible addiction to pornography. I was single, lonely, and quite frankly just wanted to feel something because I thought I was missing out. I was impatient. I was hurting. So I turned to porn. No matter how much I prayed about it, read my Bible, or set goals, I couldn’t kick it. One day, in desperation, I finally reached out to a friend. I told her how I was feeling, what I was doing, and that I didn’t know what to do. She became my accountability partner, and because of her support, I was able to overcome my addiction. And now, whenever I feel those old longings start to creep back in, I focus on others instead of myself. Whenever desire starts to feel out of control, I take that energy and put it to use within the field God has placed me. When you’re struggling with desires to be emotionally intimate with a guy who isn’t good for you, go call your friend instead. Steward that desire. Build relationships with the people in your life who deeply need a friend. Don’t suppress. Don’t ignore. Don’t deny. Steward. When you’re really wanting to take the clothes off again tomorrow night because it’s happened a few times before, text your friend. Make plans with her instead. Steward that desire. Have your sisters help you heal and help you better understand yourself in a safe environment. Let them cover you in prayer. Don’t ignore or deny. Don’t run into the arms of shame. Steward your desires so that you can experience them in God’s perfect timing. So let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about our hopes and dreams. Let’s talk about our loneliness. Let’s admit what we want. And let’s build a community of sacred stewardship in which we hold each other accountable and encourage one another in the fruit of the Spirit. This blog was originally posted on the Delight Ministries blog! I contribute for them monthly now, and will be resharing my pieces for them on ADM after Delight has published.
This has been an exciting and challenging new adventure, and I can't wait to share more about it on here! The girl with the problems.
That’s never who I’ve wanted to be. I never wanted to be that girl who always had something going wrong, who always had to make a crisis out of something, who was always crying in the bathroom somewhere. But here I am, typing this with one hand because my other hand is in too much pain to type. I’ve cried in front of an uncomfortable amount of people this week (and it’s only Wednesday). Yesterday, I had to swallow my pride and send texts asking for prayers because I’m incredibly overwhelmed. Why? Story time: I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.
I made some more knots in the string I hid in the jacket of my pocket. I turned up my music so I wouldn’t obsess over the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I focused on my breathing. In. 4 seconds. Out. 6 seconds. I was almost there. I resent weakness. And if I’m being quite honest, sometimes I am a little frustrated with Jesus for allowing me to experience it. The past 24 hours have been filled with physical pain like I’ve not known before. The past 24 hours have tested every mental guard I have. They have worn me out; and right when I thought I couldn’t be wearier, I’ve reached a new level of weariness. Will I be okay? Yes, eventually. But that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m not writing to explain what is going on with my body right now or delve in to healthcare, or to ask for compassion. I am writing this to worship. The lyrics from a United song have been circling in my head: “Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise You. Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you. Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing Your praise.” My body is weak, but my soul doesn’t have to be. So I will worship. And this world may be falling apart, but my God is not. He does not fail. He does not relent. He does not leave. He does not forget me. He does not overlook my pain. He stays right by my side through it all.
And healing? I don’t understand it. I sometimes question if He desires to heal me at all, from anything ever. But I am learning that reliance on Him brings me more strength than a moment of physical restoration. He knows what I ultimately need. He is what I ultimately need. So I’m going to worship. I want to wallow. I want to cry. I have done both, a lot, over the past 24 hours. But now I worship. He holds me when I cry. He empathizes with my pain. He grieves over my grief. He doesn’t laugh or roll His eyes. He catches each tear; He waits with grace while I doubt. If He can sustain me daily, provide oxygen for my lungs, give me hope in the darkness, then I can trust Him through this. He is worthy of my trust. He has never failed me, and He won’t do it now. It’s hard to find words. But I can still praise Him. Instead of focusing on my weakness, I’m going to hold fast to His strength. If Your power is made perfect in weakness, Lord, make me a vessel. The enemy has been trying to get me down all day. There is nothing much more that he would love than for me to take my eyes off of Jesus. But he doesn’t win this. My God wins this. My God wins. Period. And I’ll walk through this in confidence to testify that His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient. I’m taking my eyes off of my pain, my weakness, my fears. I am going to worship. Even when it hurts, I am going to worship. Through His strength, I am going to worship. I am so excited to share this post with you all! It is written by one of my dearest friends, former roommate, and one of the most passionate people I know. I asked her to write on mentorship, because it's something she does often and does well. I'm excited for you to read her wisdom and get to hear her heart on such an important topic. When I first sat down to write this, I thought about every time I’ve worked with students. I thought about the last 8 years of working youth camps (with the 9th coming up in a few days!). I thought about my first internship where I helped organize and run VBS. I thought about this last semester when I got to mentor an incredible group of middle school girls. I thought about leading drama at my home church for 4 years. I’ve worked with more kids than I could count, spending years teaching, mentoring, praying for, and struggling with each of them.
I’d love to say it was easy, but it wasn’t. It’s not easy to work with a kid who is trying to punch and bite you because she can’t have another juice box. It’s not easy to try to keep the attention of kids who like to scream when they’re bored. I’d love to say that, even though it wasn’t easy, at least seeing the fruit of the work was worth it. I’ve hugged kids after VBS only to never see them come back. I’ve had students that aged out of their programs never step back in church. I’ve prayed and wept for kids, never to see the fruition of the prayers. This sure doesn’t sound like I’m trying to explain to you why investing in the next generation is worth it, does it? It’s not easy, and you don’t always get the satisfaction of seeing the fruit. So why? Why are we supposed to add another thing to our list that is time consuming, difficult, and exhausting? I do this every so often. I’ll see new photographs of myself and not hate them. I’ll see old pictures of myself and instantly notice the deep pain revealed through my eyes.
And my heart breaks. There is an intimate bond between the woman I am today and that girl in the pictures. Sometimes I speak to her, plead with her to pause. Many days I grieve with and for her. And every day I live to prove to her that she will one day be victorious. That girl was broken, tortured, confused, desperate, isolated, rejected, afraid. She desired death over daylight. She would rather break her own bones than face more taunting from the demons in her mind. She cried to drown out the terrors in her ears. Sometimes in my dreams, I relive those moments. I’ll see through her eyes again and weep. I’ll feel the heavy heart. I’ll experience the tightened lungs and shaky limbs. I’ll feel the tangible covering of darkness and despair. “Have I even been in love?”
My best friend and I always hold our deep conversations when we’re extremely exhausted and emotionally drained, and that night was no different. We both sat in complete silence after this question was spoken. Had I? Had she? Had any of us, at any point, been in love, real love? As we sat in the silence, my mind continued circling back to the root of it all: what is love? Okay, yes. I go to a Christian university and have my Bible classes under my belt, so my immediate thought is “Oh yeah, agape. The unconditional love of God is real love.” But that’s not what I was trying to understand. I personally believe as image bearers of Christ, we are to extend agape love to everyone we encounter. But what I wanted to know that an unfailing, romantic love looks like. Because I haven’t figured that out, and during this conversation, I thought surely romance was a league all to its own. So after some thought, I finally spoke. I feel weird putting my own words in quotation marks, so I’ll just write about what I said. I just got back from a quick little vacay to south Florida, which means I got to spend some time at the beach. The beach is easily one of my favorite environments. It relaxes you and tans you at the same time, plus the views are always nice. You can't get much better than that. But, of course, if we're thinking of a beach, we probably think of swimsuits. And for some of us, if we think of swimsuits, there's a whole other thought train that goes on. And usually that train isn't headed towards positivity and self-love. It tends to get caught up at Self Loathing Station. I'll be the first to admit that I am very guilty of spending my sweet time at this place. But this weekend was a first for me: This was the first time in my life that I did not have a single negative thought towards my body whilst in a swimsuit. I made an Instagram post the other day about what I listen to while I study, and I was surprised by how many comments I got about how people want to listen to non-distracting music while studying, but don't know where to look. Sooooo, I'm sharing my go-to artists and playlists with you!
On Apple Music: -Curated playlists Classical Concentration Headspace Relaxing Classical But, I usually create my own playlists on here. Feel free to follow me! @annaleighmay On Spotify: -Curated playlists Deep Dark Indie Deep Focus (my favorite one for studying) Piano in the Background You can me on Spotify: Anna Leigh Mayfield Artists in general: JOHNNYSWIM VÉRITÉ Alela Diane Steffany Gretzinger HAIM Harry Styles (listennnn, his new stuff is great) Jon Bellion Loud Forest If you have any suggestions, please let me know! I'm always looking to expand my music library. |
AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
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