I do this every so often. I’ll see new photographs of myself and not hate them. I’ll see old pictures of myself and instantly notice the deep pain revealed through my eyes. And my heart breaks. There is an intimate bond between the woman I am today and that girl in the pictures. Sometimes I speak to her, plead with her to pause. Many days I grieve with and for her. And every day I live to prove to her that she will one day be victorious. That girl was broken, tortured, confused, desperate, isolated, rejected, afraid. She desired death over daylight. She would rather break her own bones than face more taunting from the demons in her mind. She cried to drown out the terrors in her ears. Sometimes in my dreams, I relive those moments. I’ll see through her eyes again and weep. I’ll feel the heavy heart. I’ll experience the tightened lungs and shaky limbs. I’ll feel the tangible covering of darkness and despair. But then I wake up.
I cry for her because the lies spoken into her mind were the furthest from the truth. Her insecurities were the greatest lies of all. And sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell her that one day, soon, she would start to crave life. She would start to love herself. She would look in the mirror with compliments on her tongue instead of criticism. She would feel hope instead of perpetual fear. She wouldn’t wish to bring harm because she would see her own life as sacred. She would see herself as powerful and bold. She would leave behind the loathing, the irrational decisions, the anger. But I can’t hate her. She went through more than I can remember, even on my clearest days. She survived. And while the past is filled with darkness and fear, my present is filled with hope. She may not have always felt like living, but I am learning to. I can’t hate her. She got me to where I am. I am her, and I will always grieve the moments that I hated my own existence. But I will always rejoice for the days the light broke through and I ran a few more steps towards freedom. Learning to love myself has meant learning to love her, too.
1 Comment
Whitney Barker
6/18/2018 05:37:11 pm
You are so beautiful, and so so loved :) I have so enjoyed watching you (even if it is through social media) you are such an amazing young women! Keep doing what you’re doing 😘
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AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
October 2018
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