The girl with the problems. That’s never who I’ve wanted to be. I never wanted to be that girl who always had something going wrong, who always had to make a crisis out of something, who was always crying in the bathroom somewhere. But here I am, typing this with one hand because my other hand is in too much pain to type. I’ve cried in front of an uncomfortable amount of people this week (and it’s only Wednesday). Yesterday, I had to swallow my pride and send texts asking for prayers because I’m incredibly overwhelmed. Why? Story time: Over the past year and a half, I have finally gotten a handle on my mental illness. It is no longer impeding my abilities or controlling my decisions. I got my strength back, and it felt incredible.
But on July 5th, I was told that I had several bacterial infections in my gut and a scan indicated my body contained high levels of the bacteria which cause Lyme’s disease. At my appointment, they jump-started my immune system, and I began to experience all of the symptoms that had been masked for months. I couldn’t get out of bed, could barely eat, could hardly talk, and couldn’t sleep despite overwhelming fatigue. My immune system was too fragile to support any kind of human interaction. I began treatment almost immediately, which made me feel worse. They had hoped that they would be able to get rid of a good portion of the Lyme’s bacteria after a set of treatments, but my latest scan showed that it’s barely been affected. The girl with the problems. As the days in bed added up, I began to hear this phrase make its way through my mind. And as I type this, it is screaming at me. I feel like I’m that girl. I’m always tired. Some joint is always aching. My appetite is about as unpredictable as the random bouts of extreme brain fog that hinder me from speaking coherently. This weakness makes me angry at myself (not that I chose Lyme’s disease or went searching for the bug that bit me, but still). It makes me furious that I can’t handle things on my own. I hate the unknown and the unpredictability of everything. I hate having to talk to my professors and ask for extra help. I hate having to cancel on my friends for the now-common excuse of, “I’m exhausted.” I hate seeming weak. I could go into something about how we are to lean on God for strength and all that, but that’s not what’s on my mind tonight. I mentioned at the beginning of this that I sent a text asking for prayer. That’s what’s on my mind. As I was lying in bed yesterday evening, sobbing, in pain, and feeling desperately lonely, I sent a text to my Delight leadership team. I told them I wasn’t okay. Nothing fancy, just a simple confession, and that I needed to reach out. The girl with the problems. That idea almost kept me from sending that text. I typed, deleted, typed, deleted, and retyped several times before I sent it. But I sent it. Immediately, one of the girls texts me individually to see if I wanted some ice cream. Then, another contacts me saying she is praying for me and gave some encouragement. And then the next. And then the next. And then the next. And I’m still getting texts, hours later, checking in to see how I’m doing and if there’s anything they can do for me. The girl with the problems. As one of the girls on my team so lovingly and honestly told me, that’s not my identity. Yes, there are difficulties present in my life right now. But no, those difficulties do not spell out my name. If I hadn’t reached out, I wouldn’t have heard a lot of incredibly important truths that I needed to hear. I wouldn’t have been reminded of my worth or told how loved I am. I wouldn’t have been encouraged and I definitely wouldn’t have been given support I needed. I probably would have cried myself to sleep and woken up with that phrase chanting even more loudly in my ears. There’s this story in the Old Testament of Moses during a battle. As long as he held his arms up with his rod, Israel would win. But the moment his arms fell, they would begin to lose. After hours of holding his arms up, he began to lose strength. So instead of admitting defeat, his friend and brother came alongside of him and held up his arms. This is the visual I had as my incredible friends began overwhelming me with love. There is victory in community. I’m not the girl with the problems. I’m the girl in a battle and my arms are tired. So I’m going to reach out for help because I don’t want to lose.
4 Comments
8/22/2018 11:21:51 am
I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this, and you will be in my prayers. But thank you for being willing to share your story! I deal with some health issues too, and sometimes hearing that I’m not the only one can really help. Sending lots of love your way. ❤️
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Gillian
8/22/2018 06:15:13 pm
hi love!!! i’m so proud of you for writing this. i usually keep to myself about my deprsssion and anxiety and other personal things (sc me if you rly wanna know) bc i don’t like seeing ppl worry about me and i’ve slowly started reaching out bc i cant fight my battles on my own. i used to feel weak whenever i said that bc these are MY battles and i should face them and no one else should, but i’ve realized that’s not true. it’s brave to ask for help when you need it. it really is. i love you and i’m always one text or sc away
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Karen
8/22/2018 06:50:29 pm
I will lift you up to the healer, our Lord Jesus Christ! He is the anchor when the storm rages. Much love.
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Lorre
8/24/2018 04:58:51 am
As I read your story....I empathize on a deep level. I too suffered for years with The life altering effects of Lymes. Unexplainable even in a lengthy “blog”. To be crippled mentally and physically in this weird and strange unexplainable way (it’s not cancer or designated diseases people are familiar with) as a college student is just plain devistating. But you are too tired and overwhelmed to be devistated so you just try to survive the best way you can day by day. Feeling like “that girl” all the time that no one wants to be. Yes I know there are worse things but this ranks pretty high on the life altering scale.
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AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
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