I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I made some more knots in the string I hid in the jacket of my pocket. I turned up my music so I wouldn’t obsess over the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I focused on my breathing. In. 4 seconds. Out. 6 seconds. I was almost there. This is how I walked to class every day for an entire year. I would have to continue my coping mechanisms as I walked into the classroom. Until I saw a familiar face, I would have to soothe myself to avoid another anxiety attack.
It was like this is middle school. It was only slightly better in high school. And then it blew up when I went to college. I talk about mental health frequently. I usually cover self-care, reality, and stigma. However, I don’t talk enough about hope. I guess I don’t do this because I sometimes take my own successes for granted. I’ll forget my progress and the place I came from. But I am writing this now to change things up. I’m writing this now because somewhere there are thousands just like me who are barely holding on and don’t know how they’re going to win. So hey, friends. I've been there. I understand. But let me tell ya: I’m doing a lot better now. I walk across campus all the time without any panic at all…until I see someone I’m crushing on. Then I go insane, but that’s okay. I actually make friends in my classes. I don’t have to bring a string to tie in knots or a stress ball anymore. I don’t notice how loudly I walk or how many steps it takes me to get across a slab of concrete. I don’t have panic attacks before my exams (usually) and I know how to calm myself down when I do. In a matter of months, I will be graduating summa cum laude. The girl who started out with nearly throwing up before each class, terrified to talk to a professor, barely able to get out of bed in the mornings will be walking across a stage to receive a hard-earned degree. A year early. With honors. That was a dream of mine. I wanted it. And even with a once nearly-crippling mental illness, I am achieving that dream. Whoever you are, wherever you are: your mental illness does not limit you. It creates some roadblocks. It’ll make things less convenient and sometimes more difficult. But it does not limit you. You can go graduate with the grades you want and the degree you want. You can go on to pursue the job you’re passionate about. You can travel the world. You can manage your own house. You can go grocery shopping without wanting to cry. You can talk to strangers without an overwhelming internal dialogue. It’s possible. Seek help. I’ve spent years in therapy and accepted the help of medication. Do what you have to do. Exercise, get a support group, find some new friends, take a semester off, sleep a little more. Do what you need to do. And whatever that is, you can do it. Your brain will tell you that it’s impossible or that you’re just not good enough. Luckily, your brain is a little confused. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You’ll probably have to re-learn about yourself and recognize your own abilities. But you can do that, too. I could barely get to class without having an anxiety attack. I now speak in front of large groups, can walk to class without earbuds in, and readily smile at strangers. I told my brain that I was tired of its tricks. I told myself I could do more than this. And here I am. It won't be easy, and that’s okay. You’ll learn to adapt and approach things in new ways. The lie doesn’t have to win. The thing about mental illness is that it's not just an ailment: it's a daily battle. The victory is yours - you just have to get back up again. So, friend: go dream. Go do that thing that's been on your mind. Whether it's academic, social, spiritual, artistic, musical, whatever - you can do it. Your mind's frustrations are not limitations. Get the help you need. Find support. Believe me, it'll be okay. Go live, and live well.
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AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
October 2018
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